This I Believe

The Phoenix From the Fire

“Of The Wombs I've Come

And The Wombs That Have Come Of mine,

I Am Whole.”

I wrote this poem last year after my daughter told me she had gotten engaged! I love poetry. I  am an amateur poet. Sometimes I write to clear my head or to remember a feeling I had experienced. I am also an amateur photographer in my spare time. I have three blogs dedicated photography and poetry called Twigs In Her Hair. Photography and poetry both pull me towards Life.  My senses and my daughters are my muse. Exploring with both helped me to overcome a lot of social obstacles I was struggling with in my life. I guess you can say I was shy.

Last month, my best friend of 20 years Ann, asked me to write a poem for her of an experience she had at a party the night before. I smiled instantly when she asked. A thought of confidence crossed my mind at the notion of helping a friend.  I can do this, No problem. That would be awesome! Then I thought about the fact that she asked me to transcribe for her a feeling of fulfillment and eureka that SHE had. At that moment, the feeling went from awesomeness to honorable. I felt honored she asked ME!

She starts telling the story so I can get the gist. The images she wants me to write about would have made me cry if I saw it in person. What she saw that night that inspired her and moved her so deeply was something out of a dream. She said, "I saw their auras. I saw their souls and auras dancing in harmony! I felt reborn that night Gina. While I was dancing with these people. I became connected with myself. I found my inner Indigo Child. Can you write something about this for me? About the Indigo Child?"

I listened a little more about the spiritual night she had. All I could say was, "That's so special Ann! Sure I can but, Why me?" She said, "You write so beautifully Gina. I love your stuff. I know you can bring my vision to life." She trusts me to put HER experience into words.  That morning, I learned that I need to have more confidence in my own abilities. I need to trust myself.

College Unbound told me I had to write a paper on This I Believe. This is so cool I thought. No one has ever asked me to do this before. I have to somehow  find in my heart what  I truly Believe in.
Thinking more on “This I Believe”, I remembered something else. Years ago a woman at my school approached me and asked if I could take pictures of her family. She said, "I will pay you. I've seen your pictures online. You're really good Gina you should sell your work!" I felt completely shy, not at all confident and tongue tied to boot. For whatever reason, when someone complimented my photography or the words I've written, I become shy and withdrawn.

I didn’t matter what it was I didn't truly trust myself.  But why?. After my conversation with Ann I went back in the past to find out where this feeling of self doubt came from. When did I start writing to help myself feel better? Where do I begin to paint the pictures of my life? Where do I begin to talk about trust and love?  Although I'm proud of my accomplishments today, I survived something no one should have to live through. And it hit me.

Sixteen years ago my husband left me. My baby girl was nine days old when my life changed in my heart. Up until that point in my life, my what I felt about love was the same. Up until July 3rd 1996 my love was trusting. When I was younger I had no reason NOT to trust love. My mother bestowed upon me unconditional love. As did my grandmother and aunties. My brother and sister came into my life years later and the unconditional love continued. The love I have for my daughters can never be measured.

But the part of love that you share with a spouse, I learned, CAN be measured and mine was. Five years. I married young and I divorced young. The divorce came as a surprise. I locked myself away for years. I lost weight and became sick. I lost myself and then, one day, I started to write. I wrote everything I've been feeling over these past 16 years. I had an emotional break down. To think that I almost killed myself over love makes me sad to this day. I didn't plan on suicide or anything dumb like that but, my body wanted to shut off. I was unreachable and incapable of plugging back in. I was a zombie. There were times when I even sent my little girl to school in dirty clothes. I had no idea how bad off I was until I put pen to paper.
The first poem I ever wrote is called Winter Morning Blue. It reflects my life at the time, my experiences and desires. Writing has helped me get over lots of things that have plagued my life.  I put a lot of things on the back burner including the trust I should have had in myself to accomplish something and reach my goals like finishing college.  Ann and lots of other people who love and support me saw it, but I didn't.  It had been a long time since I had any respect for myself. Writing poems and short stories and taking pictures, beautiful pictures, have been the key to healing my own heart. I grew from the ashes of that dead love. Unconditional love was once again born in me.

I am The Phoenix that came from the fire. This new woman became possible because I started believing in myself. I am worthy, I am lovable, I am somebody and I NEED me. I became the epic ending of that sad chapter in my life and I didn’t even know until today.
Now healed from the past, I realize today that I WAS hurt. Badly.
I was unhinged and discontented. When my husband left I felt as though I had nothing left to stand on. As I grow older I realized that I had to be hurt in order to grow stronger.
I post my pictures and poems online all the time now. I now value what people have to say about my work whether it’s good or bad. And maybe I wasn't shy after all.  Becoming a student at College Unbound also has boosted a sense of pride and confidence in myself. I am giddy. Ask anyone! I feel the love for myself now and  I know I can do anything!  In THIS (Point to self),  
I Believe!

Rongina Driggers
Ameteur Photographer and Poet
www.toomanytwigs.blogspot.com